Sunday, July 27, 2008

Fun Prank: Creature of the Night

So here's a very fun prank to play on your friends and family: convince them you're a vampire, without telling them. It's easy! Here's what to do.

  • Become a nightowl. In about a week you can change your sleep schedule to fit. Frequent nightclubs, go see late-night shows at movies, invite your friends over for 2AM Wii Sports or Rock Band, etc.
  • Buy white cover-up makeup and overuse it, often. We're talking albino level here. Just don't let anyone see you put it on.
  • Whenever you go to a restaurant, always ask the waitress if any of the items on the menu contain garlic, as you've recently discovered you have an allergy.
  • Void your home of all crosses, and likewise avoid going near churches. Take longer paths to avoid them, if necessary.
  • Rob a bloodbank.
  • Similarly, when out for a drive with friends, tell them you have to stop by the butcher for a moment, leave the rest of them in the car, and come back a few minutes later with nothing. When asked why you had to stop by, just say "Lunch" and feign ignorance about all further inquiry.
  • Buy a large, black umbrella, and keep it on you at all times. When cloudy just keep it retracted, but if the sun comes out then open it. Never open it in the rain.
  • Start taking rare steaks for lunch when you go to work, along with a thermos full of a thick, red liquid (this can be blood but if you want a better tasting alternative go with corn syrup, red dye, and Kool-Aid).
Following these simple instructions, you should have people absolutely convinced of your newfound vampiric heritage. Imagine their surprise when they try and stake you, only to discover you don't fall to dust!

Legal notice: If somebody does actually try to stake you, attempt to prevent it and let them in on the secret. It may be that staking (and beheading, which you should also avoid) may be the only way to kill a vampire, but normal mortal humans are most certainly not immune to either of these methods.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Saturday, February 24, 2007


An addition to my last entry.

People who say tat: It's not a "tat" it's a fucking "tattoo". The word stems from the Samoan word "tatau", the syllable "ta" meaning "hand" and "u" means "color". As one can obviously fucking see, "tat" means absolutely fucking nothing. Now go back to your... I'm sorry, what do you do for a living, tat-person? Oh that's right. FUCKING NOTHING. Because if you feel the need to call it a "tat", then it's probably not stylish, something related to your ancestral culture, a private symbol of your affection for your significant other, or any other of the good reasons to get a tattoo. No, you got it because you "think" (that is, if you are, in fact, capable of true thought) it will make you "cool". But no, all it fucking does is prevent you from getting any kind of worthwhile employment. Because you look like a jackass. Is your "tat" worth it now?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Things That Fucking Piss Me Off

Or Test to see how many times I can curse in one entry.

  • "Fcuk": It's spelled "fuck" goddammit. You think you're so cool that you can wear a shirt that says "fuck" in public and have it fall under the radar of parents with young children? It still says "fuck", asshole, misspelling it doesn't make it any less inappropriate.

  • Eminem: "Know what I'm saying?" Fuck no you fucking piece of shit. You're a short, skinny, blonde, white kid from the suburbs. What in gods fuck do you have to complain about? "Oh, my mommy drove me to school every day and now I have to talk [editor's note: not sing] into a microphone about my troubles as an adult." Does anyone remember the last popular white rapper? Vanilla Fucking Ice. That's who.

  • People Magazine: There are fucking dozens of magazines which are guilty of this, but People gets to me in particular. These magazines focus solely on the fucking day to day lives of celebrities? You find that interesting? Well we all have our disgusting habits. But People only talks about celebrities. Am... am I not a person? Do I not feel? Do I not laugh when I'm happy, cry when I'm sad? Or as I some quasi-corporeal chunk of non-existence whose sole purpose is to read about how Mary Kate Fucking Olsen has xylophone-like ribs, or that Britney Spears has gotten another fucking divorce, or the Jennifer Aniston and Friends love triangle is now a fucking dodecahedron? That's a 12-sided figure. That's more players than a fucking porn movie.

  • Hmm... Fourteen fucking fucks. Err... sixteen.

Thursday, September 07, 2006


My Magic 8-Ball said "Outlook is bleak". Funny thing is, I never asked it anything.

That's depressing.

Thursday, August 31, 2006


*looks around*

<whispers> "I'm still alive! Tell the people! The truth must be known!"

*escapes into the shadows*

Friday, April 07, 2006

Big Bang a Big Problem?

Turn your television to one of the highest channels it can tune to. Most sets go up to channel 125 or 181. Static, right? Well, turn the brightness and contrast down. WAY down. Lot less static, right? Well, what if I told you that 1 out of every 100 or so of those static dots is due to radiation left over from the big bang. How is this a problem? Well, this won't be filtered out when you're watching TV on a higher channels, so even with perfect reception, you'll still get static. Gets annoying when you're trying to watch reruns of the Golden Girls.

Monday, February 20, 2006

November 5th, 2008

Just days after President Bush's public breakdown at the possibility of a woman president, the election is over and the results are coming in.

Like any other election, the nation was cleanly divided amongst Blues and Reds, only now they use Lavender and Pink. The move to change the colors of the two major political parties (Democratic and Republican, respectively) was an executive order by Bush as a last-ditch effort to prevent either candidate from being voted. He made this order after returning from his monthly hunting trip. "The Office of the President is a full-time job. You can't just skip off for a week every month." Bush supporters speculate that he does not hate women, but admitting hatred of the two candidates is a sign of weakness.

Late last year, controversy arose during the FOX special, "Presidential Deathmatch". During the final round, President Bush faced former President William Clinton in a traditional Kentucky knife-fight. Things became bloody when Hilary Clinton entered the ring and drop-kicked the president, and then kneed her husband in the testicles when he tried to pinch her buttocks in celebration. President Bush has resented Senator Clinton since then, publicly insulting her on many occasions during her campaign, and also recently divorced his wife Laura for refusing FOX's request for a "First Lady Deathmatch" which would have focused on a Samurai-themed duel between Hilary and Laura.

As well, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was fired by President Bush in early 2007 for refusing to support his "Three Term" campaign. Bush has also been publicly outspoken against the Republican Party's nomination of Rice.

The voting results were very close. Republican Party candidate Condoleezza Rice earned 49% of electoral votes, while Democratic Party candidate Senator Hilary Clinton took 48%. The remaining 3% were claimed by other parties, the lowest in recent years. Senator Clinton admitted defeat in a rather peculiar way. Firstly, the conversation with Rice occurred via instant messaging, using Google's "Google Talk" service. As well, Clinton did not admit defeat. In an extreme, unexplained mood swing, she insulted Rice and resigned from candidacy.

Condoleezza Rice is scheduled to be sworn in as the first female and first African-American President of the United States on January 20th, 2009. However, President Bush has refused to leave office, even though law requires him to.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Dr. Math #1: Girls = Evil

Okay, everybody's seen the proof of why girls are evil. But, in the interest of practicing mathematical proofs written in English, I'm going to go into more detail on why this is true-or, to be more accurate, why all good girls are evil. The proof creates a restriction that it doesn't necessarily prove or disprove that bad girls are evil, but it's a conclusion that cannot be drawn from the proof. To begin, I'll state some axioms (statements assumed to be true), and a lemma, a statement too insignificant to be a fully-fledged theorem, but is required to be true for proofs that refer to it, and thus need to be proven itself.

Axiom 1: Positive values are considered good, whilst negative values are considered bad.
Axiom 2: Good will take on two meanings. The first meaning, which will be used in this article unless otherwise specified, is the opposite of bad. The second meaning is the opposite of evil.
Axiom 3: Bad and evil are not the same concepts. To be bad is to cause disruption in society, but to be evil is to seek personal gratification by means of being bad.
Axiom 4: Girls and women can be used interchangably.

Lemma 1: good -> not(evil) is false
Proof: To prove a statement false, all that is required is to show one true example which contradicts the statement. I propose to you Batman. He was certainly a good superhero, but in many ways he was also evil. Batman sought vengeance for his parents, and though it was the bad guys that killed his parents it was still a very evil act to do it in much the way Batman did (but alas, it was what made Batman so great but that's not my point). Lemma 1 proven.

Okay, now to get on with the proof. We begin with the common statement "women are time and money." Breaking this down into the logical portions, we get "women = time * money". Note that "and" can mean either addition or multiplication. In this case, multiplication is assumed because "time" and "money" have different units and cannot be added.

Now, where does one get money? Through a job. Most jobs are paid a rate based on the amount of time worked, thus time is directly proportional to money, or "time = k * money" for some constant k based on how big your paycheck is. Therefore, from "women = time * money" is equivalent to "women = k * money^2".

Returning to axiom 3, to be evil is to achieve goals by any means of being bad. Throughout history, it has proven time and time again that the common goal of evility is power, and power means money or, more accurately, money is the root of all evil. Thus "money = sqrt(evil)" or "money^2 = evil". Hence "women = k * money^2" becomes "women = k * evil" or "women are directly proportional to evil and how much money you make" and our proof is done.

To close, an interesting restriction was created based on socialogical assumptions during the proof. In order for money to be the square root of evil within the realm of reality, it requires that evil be non-negative (note that this isn't a contradiction, see lemma 1). Therefore, since evil must be a zero or positive value, and assuming you get paid at your job (thus you don't pay your employer) and the proportionality constant is either zero (you don't have a job) or positive, women must also be zero or positive. This creates two results: if you don't have a job, women are zero and you don't get one, or women must be positve or good. The latter case creates the final conclusion that "good girls are evil."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Top Ten Reasons Why Handicapped Girls Are Attractive

10. Sociophobic girls take what they can get.

9. Deaf girls can't hear you sneak up from behind.

8. Mute girls have no other use for their mouth.

7. Paralyzed girls don't care what side you go in from.

6. Bedridden girls don't have to go far.

5. Epileptic girls move more.

4. Narcoleptic girls will let you go for longer.

3. Conjoined twins are two for the price of one.

2. Blind girls can't say no until it's too late.

1. Dead girls can't say no.