My Magic 8-Ball said "Outlook is bleak". Funny thing is, I never asked it anything.
That's depressing.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Psst
*looks around*
<whispers> "I'm still alive! Tell the people! The truth must be known!"
*escapes into the shadows*
<whispers> "I'm still alive! Tell the people! The truth must be known!"
*escapes into the shadows*
Friday, April 07, 2006
Big Bang a Big Problem?
Turn your television to one of the highest channels it can tune to. Most sets go up to channel 125 or 181. Static, right? Well, turn the brightness and contrast down. WAY down. Lot less static, right? Well, what if I told you that 1 out of every 100 or so of those static dots is due to radiation left over from the big bang. How is this a problem? Well, this won't be filtered out when you're watching TV on a higher channels, so even with perfect reception, you'll still get static. Gets annoying when you're trying to watch reruns of the Golden Girls.
Monday, February 20, 2006
November 5th, 2008
Just days after President Bush's public breakdown at the possibility of a woman president, the election is over and the results are coming in.
Like any other election, the nation was cleanly divided amongst Blues and Reds, only now they use Lavender and Pink. The move to change the colors of the two major political parties (Democratic and Republican, respectively) was an executive order by Bush as a last-ditch effort to prevent either candidate from being voted. He made this order after returning from his monthly hunting trip. "The Office of the President is a full-time job. You can't just skip off for a week every month." Bush supporters speculate that he does not hate women, but admitting hatred of the two candidates is a sign of weakness.
Late last year, controversy arose during the FOX special, "Presidential Deathmatch". During the final round, President Bush faced former President William Clinton in a traditional Kentucky knife-fight. Things became bloody when Hilary Clinton entered the ring and drop-kicked the president, and then kneed her husband in the testicles when he tried to pinch her buttocks in celebration. President Bush has resented Senator Clinton since then, publicly insulting her on many occasions during her campaign, and also recently divorced his wife Laura for refusing FOX's request for a "First Lady Deathmatch" which would have focused on a Samurai-themed duel between Hilary and Laura.
As well, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was fired by President Bush in early 2007 for refusing to support his "Three Term" campaign. Bush has also been publicly outspoken against the Republican Party's nomination of Rice.
The voting results were very close. Republican Party candidate Condoleezza Rice earned 49% of electoral votes, while Democratic Party candidate Senator Hilary Clinton took 48%. The remaining 3% were claimed by other parties, the lowest in recent years. Senator Clinton admitted defeat in a rather peculiar way. Firstly, the conversation with Rice occurred via instant messaging, using Google's "Google Talk" service. As well, Clinton did not admit defeat. In an extreme, unexplained mood swing, she insulted Rice and resigned from candidacy.
Condoleezza Rice is scheduled to be sworn in as the first female and first African-American President of the United States on January 20th, 2009. However, President Bush has refused to leave office, even though law requires him to.
Like any other election, the nation was cleanly divided amongst Blues and Reds, only now they use Lavender and Pink. The move to change the colors of the two major political parties (Democratic and Republican, respectively) was an executive order by Bush as a last-ditch effort to prevent either candidate from being voted. He made this order after returning from his monthly hunting trip. "The Office of the President is a full-time job. You can't just skip off for a week every month." Bush supporters speculate that he does not hate women, but admitting hatred of the two candidates is a sign of weakness.
Late last year, controversy arose during the FOX special, "Presidential Deathmatch". During the final round, President Bush faced former President William Clinton in a traditional Kentucky knife-fight. Things became bloody when Hilary Clinton entered the ring and drop-kicked the president, and then kneed her husband in the testicles when he tried to pinch her buttocks in celebration. President Bush has resented Senator Clinton since then, publicly insulting her on many occasions during her campaign, and also recently divorced his wife Laura for refusing FOX's request for a "First Lady Deathmatch" which would have focused on a Samurai-themed duel between Hilary and Laura.
As well, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was fired by President Bush in early 2007 for refusing to support his "Three Term" campaign. Bush has also been publicly outspoken against the Republican Party's nomination of Rice.
The voting results were very close. Republican Party candidate Condoleezza Rice earned 49% of electoral votes, while Democratic Party candidate Senator Hilary Clinton took 48%. The remaining 3% were claimed by other parties, the lowest in recent years. Senator Clinton admitted defeat in a rather peculiar way. Firstly, the conversation with Rice occurred via instant messaging, using Google's "Google Talk" service. As well, Clinton did not admit defeat. In an extreme, unexplained mood swing, she insulted Rice and resigned from candidacy.
Condoleezza Rice is scheduled to be sworn in as the first female and first African-American President of the United States on January 20th, 2009. However, President Bush has refused to leave office, even though law requires him to.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Dr. Math #1: Girls = Evil
Okay, everybody's seen the proof of why girls are evil. But, in the interest of practicing mathematical proofs written in English, I'm going to go into more detail on why this is true-or, to be more accurate, why all good girls are evil. The proof creates a restriction that it doesn't necessarily prove or disprove that bad girls are evil, but it's a conclusion that cannot be drawn from the proof. To begin, I'll state some axioms (statements assumed to be true), and a lemma, a statement too insignificant to be a fully-fledged theorem, but is required to be true for proofs that refer to it, and thus need to be proven itself.
Axiom 1: Positive values are considered good, whilst negative values are considered bad.
Axiom 2: Good will take on two meanings. The first meaning, which will be used in this article unless otherwise specified, is the opposite of bad. The second meaning is the opposite of evil.
Axiom 3: Bad and evil are not the same concepts. To be bad is to cause disruption in society, but to be evil is to seek personal gratification by means of being bad.
Axiom 4: Girls and women can be used interchangably.
Lemma 1: good -> not(evil) is false
Proof: To prove a statement false, all that is required is to show one true example which contradicts the statement. I propose to you Batman. He was certainly a good superhero, but in many ways he was also evil. Batman sought vengeance for his parents, and though it was the bad guys that killed his parents it was still a very evil act to do it in much the way Batman did (but alas, it was what made Batman so great but that's not my point). Lemma 1 proven.
Okay, now to get on with the proof. We begin with the common statement "women are time and money." Breaking this down into the logical portions, we get "women = time * money". Note that "and" can mean either addition or multiplication. In this case, multiplication is assumed because "time" and "money" have different units and cannot be added.
Now, where does one get money? Through a job. Most jobs are paid a rate based on the amount of time worked, thus time is directly proportional to money, or "time = k * money" for some constant k based on how big your paycheck is. Therefore, from "women = time * money" is equivalent to "women = k * money^2".
Returning to axiom 3, to be evil is to achieve goals by any means of being bad. Throughout history, it has proven time and time again that the common goal of evility is power, and power means money or, more accurately, money is the root of all evil. Thus "money = sqrt(evil)" or "money^2 = evil". Hence "women = k * money^2" becomes "women = k * evil" or "women are directly proportional to evil and how much money you make" and our proof is done.
To close, an interesting restriction was created based on socialogical assumptions during the proof. In order for money to be the square root of evil within the realm of reality, it requires that evil be non-negative (note that this isn't a contradiction, see lemma 1). Therefore, since evil must be a zero or positive value, and assuming you get paid at your job (thus you don't pay your employer) and the proportionality constant is either zero (you don't have a job) or positive, women must also be zero or positive. This creates two results: if you don't have a job, women are zero and you don't get one, or women must be positve or good. The latter case creates the final conclusion that "good girls are evil."
Axiom 1: Positive values are considered good, whilst negative values are considered bad.
Axiom 2: Good will take on two meanings. The first meaning, which will be used in this article unless otherwise specified, is the opposite of bad. The second meaning is the opposite of evil.
Axiom 3: Bad and evil are not the same concepts. To be bad is to cause disruption in society, but to be evil is to seek personal gratification by means of being bad.
Axiom 4: Girls and women can be used interchangably.
Lemma 1: good -> not(evil) is false
Proof: To prove a statement false, all that is required is to show one true example which contradicts the statement. I propose to you Batman. He was certainly a good superhero, but in many ways he was also evil. Batman sought vengeance for his parents, and though it was the bad guys that killed his parents it was still a very evil act to do it in much the way Batman did (but alas, it was what made Batman so great but that's not my point). Lemma 1 proven.
Okay, now to get on with the proof. We begin with the common statement "women are time and money." Breaking this down into the logical portions, we get "women = time * money". Note that "and" can mean either addition or multiplication. In this case, multiplication is assumed because "time" and "money" have different units and cannot be added.
Now, where does one get money? Through a job. Most jobs are paid a rate based on the amount of time worked, thus time is directly proportional to money, or "time = k * money" for some constant k based on how big your paycheck is. Therefore, from "women = time * money" is equivalent to "women = k * money^2".
Returning to axiom 3, to be evil is to achieve goals by any means of being bad. Throughout history, it has proven time and time again that the common goal of evility is power, and power means money or, more accurately, money is the root of all evil. Thus "money = sqrt(evil)" or "money^2 = evil". Hence "women = k * money^2" becomes "women = k * evil" or "women are directly proportional to evil and how much money you make" and our proof is done.
To close, an interesting restriction was created based on socialogical assumptions during the proof. In order for money to be the square root of evil within the realm of reality, it requires that evil be non-negative (note that this isn't a contradiction, see lemma 1). Therefore, since evil must be a zero or positive value, and assuming you get paid at your job (thus you don't pay your employer) and the proportionality constant is either zero (you don't have a job) or positive, women must also be zero or positive. This creates two results: if you don't have a job, women are zero and you don't get one, or women must be positve or good. The latter case creates the final conclusion that "good girls are evil."
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Top Ten Reasons Why Handicapped Girls Are Attractive
10. Sociophobic girls take what they can get.
9. Deaf girls can't hear you sneak up from behind.
8. Mute girls have no other use for their mouth.
7. Paralyzed girls don't care what side you go in from.
6. Bedridden girls don't have to go far.
5. Epileptic girls move more.
4. Narcoleptic girls will let you go for longer.
3. Conjoined twins are two for the price of one.
2. Blind girls can't say no until it's too late.
1. Dead girls can't say no.
9. Deaf girls can't hear you sneak up from behind.
8. Mute girls have no other use for their mouth.
7. Paralyzed girls don't care what side you go in from.
6. Bedridden girls don't have to go far.
5. Epileptic girls move more.
4. Narcoleptic girls will let you go for longer.
3. Conjoined twins are two for the price of one.
2. Blind girls can't say no until it's too late.
1. Dead girls can't say no.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Pickup Lines for Geek Parties
"I'll be your variables if you'll be my function. Come on, baby, plug me into you."
"We can warp to my place, but I'll only use thrusters in bed."
"I have the law of general relativity tatooed somewhere on my body. Try to guess where."
"That sweatervest looks good on you, but I bet it'll look even better on my Unix server."
"Have you met my friend Albert? He can hack a lady's bra that has 1024-bit encryption!"
"Tell me... Do black mages turn you on?"
"Hi there, I'm a math major. Don't let that weird you, though, 'cause I can calculate on a whim exactly where you want to be felt."
"I've never met someone who looks better offline than online."
"Is that a pocket protector or are you just happy to see me?"
"Your eyes glisten with a thousand hours of Everquest..."
"They call me Cloud, and this is my unusually large sword."
"My period of revolution may be low, but my amplitude is astronomical."
"We can warp to my place, but I'll only use thrusters in bed."
"I have the law of general relativity tatooed somewhere on my body. Try to guess where."
"That sweatervest looks good on you, but I bet it'll look even better on my Unix server."
"Have you met my friend Albert? He can hack a lady's bra that has 1024-bit encryption!"
"Tell me... Do black mages turn you on?"
"Hi there, I'm a math major. Don't let that weird you, though, 'cause I can calculate on a whim exactly where you want to be felt."
"I've never met someone who looks better offline than online."
"Is that a pocket protector or are you just happy to see me?"
"Your eyes glisten with a thousand hours of Everquest..."
"They call me Cloud, and this is my unusually large sword."
"My period of revolution may be low, but my amplitude is astronomical."
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Life, the Universe, and All That Jazz
Somewhere in the western spiral arm of the galaxy (though to be fair, “west” depends entirely on whichever orientation the main axis of your body is in and, more importantly, the direction the majority of your heads are looking) lies a small blue/green planet inhabited by the descendants of an ape-like species. The average individual of this species is quite intelligent, having developed nuclear fission before the amazingly simple digital watch. However, on the whole, the species is mindbogglingly stupid, fighting countless wars over some “God” fellow and letting one man subtly dictate what would become possibly the most important technology for a good many years. This man is known to the people as Douglas Adams.
This technology is the Internet. Although Adams certainly did not invent the Internet, he imagined a system much like it, possibly without knowing so. The Internet is essentially a network of devices that allows information to be transmitted instantaneously across the globe. "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Adams' signature book, features something called the “Sub Etha Net.” The Sub Etha Net allowed for information to be transmitted almost instantaneously across the Galaxy. Developed just a few years earlier from the time of writing was a technology known as “ethernet”, which has become the de facto standard for networking computers. The similarities between “Sub Etha Net” and Internet over ethernet are astounding, from naming (from “aether”, the substance once thought to fill space) to concept (instantaneous transmission of information). It is unlikely that Adams was aware of what would become of the Internet, but perhaps the similarities influenced his readers to adapt the technologies and increase the popularity to the level that it has reached.
A major component of the Internet is the search engine. A single computer that will instantaneously look through all the computers on the network and find exactly what you are looking for. From music and movies to math and physics to how to get a date with a tree, there is very little information known to humans that cannot be found on the Internet. Search engines appeared much after "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" was written, but may have been inspired by the other fictional device, the device for which the book was named: "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". The fictional "Guide" was a book-sized device that could display information on any subject, from music and movies to math and physics to how to get a date with a tree, just by asking for it. Again, the similarities are striking. The probability of Adams predicting two very important technologies is very low, and perhaps even less probable is that a major theme in the real Guide was probability.
His influence extends even further throughout time. Forty-two, the arbitrarily chosen Ultimate Answer, is an important number in religion and even Adams' own life, adding to the improbability. Perhaps forty-two truly is the Answer, and humankind just hasn't realized it yet.
I wrote this for a scholarship essay, and I must say I'm quite proud of it. In three high school and two university English courses this is, by far, the best piece of prose I've ever written.
This technology is the Internet. Although Adams certainly did not invent the Internet, he imagined a system much like it, possibly without knowing so. The Internet is essentially a network of devices that allows information to be transmitted instantaneously across the globe. "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Adams' signature book, features something called the “Sub Etha Net.” The Sub Etha Net allowed for information to be transmitted almost instantaneously across the Galaxy. Developed just a few years earlier from the time of writing was a technology known as “ethernet”, which has become the de facto standard for networking computers. The similarities between “Sub Etha Net” and Internet over ethernet are astounding, from naming (from “aether”, the substance once thought to fill space) to concept (instantaneous transmission of information). It is unlikely that Adams was aware of what would become of the Internet, but perhaps the similarities influenced his readers to adapt the technologies and increase the popularity to the level that it has reached.
A major component of the Internet is the search engine. A single computer that will instantaneously look through all the computers on the network and find exactly what you are looking for. From music and movies to math and physics to how to get a date with a tree, there is very little information known to humans that cannot be found on the Internet. Search engines appeared much after "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" was written, but may have been inspired by the other fictional device, the device for which the book was named: "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". The fictional "Guide" was a book-sized device that could display information on any subject, from music and movies to math and physics to how to get a date with a tree, just by asking for it. Again, the similarities are striking. The probability of Adams predicting two very important technologies is very low, and perhaps even less probable is that a major theme in the real Guide was probability.
His influence extends even further throughout time. Forty-two, the arbitrarily chosen Ultimate Answer, is an important number in religion and even Adams' own life, adding to the improbability. Perhaps forty-two truly is the Answer, and humankind just hasn't realized it yet.
I wrote this for a scholarship essay, and I must say I'm quite proud of it. In three high school and two university English courses this is, by far, the best piece of prose I've ever written.
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