Dr. Math #1: Girls = Evil

Okay, everybody's seen the proof of why girls are evil. But, in the interest of practicing mathematical proofs written in English, I'm going to go into more detail on why this is true-or, to be more accurate, why all good girls are evil. The proof creates a restriction that it doesn't necessarily prove or disprove that bad girls are evil, but it's a conclusion that cannot be drawn from the proof. To begin, I'll state some axioms (statements assumed to be true), and a lemma, a statement too insignificant to be a fully-fledged theorem, but is required to be true for proofs that refer to it, and thus need to be proven itself.

Axiom 1: Positive values are considered good, whilst negative values are considered bad.
Axiom 2: Good will take on two meanings. The first meaning, which will be used in this article unless otherwise specified, is the opposite of bad. The second meaning is the opposite of evil.
Axiom 3: Bad and evil are not the same concepts. To be bad is to cause disruption in society, but to be evil is to seek personal gratification by means of being bad.
Axiom 4: Girls and women can be used interchangably.

Lemma 1: good -> not(evil) is false
Proof: To prove a statement false, all that is required is to show one true example which contradicts the statement. I propose to you Batman. He was certainly a good superhero, but in many ways he was also evil. Batman sought vengeance for his parents, and though it was the bad guys that killed his parents it was still a very evil act to do it in much the way Batman did (but alas, it was what made Batman so great but that's not my point). Lemma 1 proven.

Okay, now to get on with the proof. We begin with the common statement "women are time and money." Breaking this down into the logical portions, we get "women = time * money". Note that "and" can mean either addition or multiplication. In this case, multiplication is assumed because "time" and "money" have different units and cannot be added.

Now, where does one get money? Through a job. Most jobs are paid a rate based on the amount of time worked, thus time is directly proportional to money, or "time = k * money" for some constant k based on how big your paycheck is. Therefore, from "women = time * money" is equivalent to "women = k * money^2".

Returning to axiom 3, to be evil is to achieve goals by any means of being bad. Throughout history, it has proven time and time again that the common goal of evility is power, and power means money or, more accurately, money is the root of all evil. Thus "money = sqrt(evil)" or "money^2 = evil". Hence "women = k * money^2" becomes "women = k * evil" or "women are directly proportional to evil and how much money you make" and our proof is done.

To close, an interesting restriction was created based on socialogical assumptions during the proof. In order for money to be the square root of evil within the realm of reality, it requires that evil be non-negative (note that this isn't a contradiction, see lemma 1). Therefore, since evil must be a zero or positive value, and assuming you get paid at your job (thus you don't pay your employer) and the proportionality constant is either zero (you don't have a job) or positive, women must also be zero or positive. This creates two results: if you don't have a job, women are zero and you don't get one, or women must be positve or good. The latter case creates the final conclusion that "good girls are evil."

Top Ten Reasons Why Handicapped Girls Are Attractive

10. Sociophobic girls take what they can get.

9. Deaf girls can't hear you sneak up from behind.

8. Mute girls have no other use for their mouth.

7. Paralyzed girls don't care what side you go in from.

6. Bedridden girls don't have to go far.

5. Epileptic girls move more.

4. Narcoleptic girls will let you go for longer.

3. Conjoined twins are two for the price of one.

2. Blind girls can't say no until it's too late.

1. Dead girls can't say no.

Pickup Lines for Geek Parties

"I'll be your variables if you'll be my function. Come on, baby, plug me into you."

"We can warp to my place, but I'll only use thrusters in bed."

"I have the law of general relativity tatooed somewhere on my body. Try to guess where."

"That sweatervest looks good on you, but I bet it'll look even better on my Unix server."

"Have you met my friend Albert? He can hack a lady's bra that has 1024-bit encryption!"

"Tell me... Do black mages turn you on?"

"Hi there, I'm a math major. Don't let that weird you, though, 'cause I can calculate on a whim exactly where you want to be felt."

"I've never met someone who looks better offline than online."

"Is that a pocket protector or are you just happy to see me?"

"Your eyes glisten with a thousand hours of Everquest..."

"They call me Cloud, and this is my unusually large sword."

"My period of revolution may be low, but my amplitude is astronomical."

Family

I shall name my daughter Insaniti. And my son Bauss. And together, they shall be known as The Offspring of a Sexist Father.

My rant for this evening will be sexism. No, not the classical patriarchial type, but the modern sexism that guys have to deal with. Misandry. Don't get me wrong, I personally believe that women are the better sex. I dislike men. I dislike being a man (again, don't get me wrong, my sexual preference is women regardless of my own gender). However, I don't believe that women have the right to excercise any form of superiority. As a Newfoundlander, I know that the average Newfie can't hold a stick to the intelligence of... Well, a stick. But if anybody not from Newfoundland said that, then my fist would be the first (of many) being placed between their ears. Likewise, as a man, I'm allowed to say that men are sick, disgusting, and ugly.

And so, all you XX's out there, I give you a piece of advice: if a guy treats you like gold, even if he has every reason not to, do your best to keep him feeling like shit. More than likely, he doesn't mind going with you to do stuff you like, like shopping. But he doesn't understand how you can spend 3 hours every 4 days looking through underwear, when the only person who's ever going to see it is going to want to rip it off of you. And if the guy you take shopping is not the one who gets to take your clothes off, make sure he knows that he's a friend being taken along shopping and not a boyfriend to carry stuff. As far as the mall goes, male friends stand with you, boyfriends stand behind you. Don't get the two confused.